Reviews by Clem

Clementine Critic reviews films, food, devices, cosmetics, events, and anything else that puts itself forward for public enjoyment. Known for her exacting standards and a noticeable reluctance to be impressed, she approaches each experience with careful consideration and a healthy degree of scepticism.

Nothing escapes her attention — not the lighting, not the service, and certainly not the overconfidence of something that thinks it deserves five segments. While praise is rare, it is not impossible. It simply has to be earned.

🍊 Clem Reviews: Strawberry Locks, Tiptree – 21/04/2026

I do not commit to a hairdresser lightly.

This is not a casual relationship. This is long-term trust, built slowly, usually after at least one mildly traumatising experience elsewhere that makes you question all future decisions involving scissors.

Strawberry Locks, I will admit, has earned that trust.

We have been in Tiptree for around a year and a half now, and in that time I have been three times, seeing two different stylists. The original stylist went on maternity leave, so I swapped out of need, and not want.

My original stylist took on what can only be described as a slightly risky request. A razor-cut mullet. Not a forgiving style. Not something you attempt without confidence.

It looked so good.

Genuinely sharp, intentional, and exactly what I had in mind. No hesitation, no playing it safe, just someone clearly knowing what they were doing. Props to Robin!

Since then, I have moved over to Katie, and rather than feeling like a compromise, it has just… worked.

I have leaned more towards softer, more subtle looks recently, and she has executed that just as well. There is never any sense of limitation, only someone adapting to what I am asking for and doing it properly.

Which, if anything, is more impressive.

Both times I have left with hair that looks properly finished. Not “it’ll settle in a few days”. Not “I’ll style it differently at home and fix it”. Just right, immediately.

That consistency matters more than anything.

It is also worth mentioning that this is not just about me.

Both of my children have been here as well, and between them have seen three different stylists. My youngest, on his first visit, was what I will generously describe as not cooperative. My eldest is autistic, which can make new environments and situations more challenging.

At no point did it feel like a problem.

They were patient, calm, and genuinely kind with both of them. Not overly fussing, not making it a big thing, just handling it in a way that made the whole experience feel manageable rather than stressful.

We now book in with Katie for all of us, and the difference in my youngest at his last appointment was huge. Completely settled. Actually enjoying himself.

Which, if you have ever taken a toddler for a haircut, you will understand is not a given.

The next step for me will be colour, and I do not say that casually.

I usually colour my own hair, and I am very confident doing it. Possibly a little too confident. I am also, admittedly, quite impulsive with it.

But the reason for that is simple.

There have been times where I have had my hair coloured professionally and walked away feeling like it was a waste of money. Not terrible, just… not right. To the point where I have gone home and fixed it myself.

So I do not hand that over easily.

But this is the first place in a long time where I feel like I would trust someone else to do it. And specifically, trust Katie to do it properly. I trust that I will be able to give my bathroom walls a break from the spatters of my DIY dye jobs.

Which probably says more than anything else in this review.

🍊 Clem’s Verdict
“Consistent, capable, and earns your trust properly rather than expecting it.”

Rating: 🍊🍊🍊🍊🍊 (5/5 segments)

🍊 Clem Reviews: The Coffee Crate, Tiptree 14/04/2026

I was not an early adopter of The Coffee Crate, which I feel I should admit upfront.

We had actually tried to go once before and found it closed despite the signs suggesting otherwise, which is usually enough for me to quietly write a place off and move on with my life.

However, the local Facebook pages had other ideas.

After the recent change in ownership, there was a noticeable amount of hype. The kind that makes you pause mid-scroll and think, right, fine, I will give it another go if everyone is this enthusiastic about it.

So we did.

And I am now three visits in within the space of a week, which tells you everything you need to know.

On our first proper visit, we ordered two adult coffees, two kids’ shakes, two cookies, a cake, and two muffins. A full spread. A commitment.

The kids’ shakes were absolutely enormous. Not in a gimmicky way, just genuinely generous. They could not even finish them, which as any parent knows is both impressive and slightly tragic.

My mint Aero frappe, on the other hand, did not stand a chance. Gone. Immediately. It was genuinely mouth-watering and, quite frankly, the perfect cure for a woman in that particular week of the month where only comfort food will do.

Everything else was just as good. Properly tasty, no weak links, and very fairly priced for what you get.

But the real difference here is not just the food.

The new owner used to be a barista there, and you can feel that experience in every part of how the place runs. There is care in it. Familiarity. No awkward transition phase, just someone stepping into a role they already understand and absolutely owning it.

She makes people feel welcome in a way that cannot be faked. Not over the top, not forced. Just easy, warm, and genuine. The kind of place where you walk in once and somehow feel like you have been going for years.

Every time we have been, it has been busy. Properly busy. The sit-down area was full even on a weekday morning, and there is usually a bit of a wait. But when it is often just her, sometimes with one other person, running the whole thing, it is more than understandable.

If anything, it makes it more impressive.

She is absolutely bossing it, and the praise she is getting locally feels entirely deserved.

We went back twice after that first visit.

Which, in Clem terms, is basically a standing ovation.

Clem’s Verdict

“Generous, genuinely delicious, and worth every minute of the wait.”

Rating: 🍊🍊🍊🍊🍊(5/5 segments)

🍊 Clem Reviews: Barbie (Yes, I’m late. We move.) 01/04/2026

I finally got round to watching Barbie.
Yes, I know. I am very late to this one.

I went in expecting something light and fun, and it is that, but it is also a lot more than that.

I will be honest, I spent a fair bit of it slightly confused.
Not in a bad way. More in a “what is happening right now?” kind of way. But I was still enjoying it the whole time.

It is very bright, very pink, quite chaotic in places, and then suddenly it hits you with something quite deep. It jumps between silly and serious in a way that somehow works.

It is properly funny as well. Not forced, just naturally funny, with a lot of little moments that catch you off guard.

The cameos were great too. It is one of those films where you are constantly spotting people and thinking “wait… is that…?” Definitely one I would watch again just to pick up on everything I missed.

There is also a lot going on underneath it all. Themes around patriarchy, misogyny, and even a bit of misandry are woven in, but it never feels too heavy or like it is lecturing you.

Did I fully understand every layer of it? No.
Did I still get the message and enjoy it? Yes.

It is one of those films that is easy to watch but gives you a lot to think about afterwards.

🍊 Clem’s Verdict

“Came for the pink. Stayed for the mild identity crisis.”
Rating: 🍊🍊🍊🍊 (4/5 segments)

🍊 Clem Reviews: Estée Lauder Double Wear Foundation 30/03/2026

I have tried a lot of foundations over the years.

And I mean a lot.

Nothing has come close to this.

This is the one I keep coming back to every single time, because it just does not move. Once it’s on, it is on.

I have worn this through full days, long evenings, and even a full K-pop concert at the O2. We are talking heat, lights, screaming, dancing, the whole experience. And somehow, at the end of it, my makeup still looked… intact.

It is reliable. It does what it says. It stays put.

It gives really solid coverage without feeling too heavy, and it holds up in situations where most foundations would have given up halfway through the night.

The only downside, and it is a bit of an annoying one, is that if you are not using it regularly, it does not age well. Over time it can oxidise in the bottle and the shade can shift, which makes it harder to use.

So it is definitely one of those products that works best if it is part of your regular routine, rather than something you pick up once in a while.

🍊 Clem’s Verdict

“Dependable. Long-lasting. Does not abandon you when things get chaotic.”

Rating: 🍊🍊🍊🍊🍊 (5/5 segments)

🍊 Clem Reviews: Lush Feeling Younger Skin Tint – 28/03/2026

I have used Lush for years now.

Some of their products I absolutely swear by. Others… not so much. And it is not exactly a cheap place to shop, so you do notice when something is not quite worth it.

This one is.

I picked it up, originally, thinking it might be a bit of a gimmick. Just something light and glowy that would not really make much difference.

But it has quietly become one of those products I keep reaching for.

It is not a foundation, so do not expect coverage. What it does is add a really soft, natural glow to the skin. It just makes you look a bit more awake, a bit more fresh, like you have had more sleep than you probably have.

Which, for tired mums, is doing quite a lot of heavy lifting.

I tend to use it on the high points of my face, or mix a small amount in with moisturiser on days where I cannot be bothered with a full face. It gives that “I made an effort” look without actually having to make much effort.

It sits nicely on the skin, does not feel heavy, and layers well with other products.

The only thing to keep in mind is that it is very subtle. If you are expecting something dramatic, this is not it. This is more of a quiet improvement rather than a full transformation.

But if your goal is to look a little less tired, a little more put together, without spending ages in front of the mirror, this is one of the few Lush products that genuinely feels worth the money.

🍊 Clem’s Verdict

“Subtle, reliable, and makes you look slightly more alive.”

Rating: 🍊🍊🍊🍊 (4/5 segments)

🍊 Clem Reviews: Pixie Cup 2 Soft Menstrual Cups – 27/03/2026

This one might be a bit niche, but it is important.

I have tried quite a few menstrual cups over the years, and not all of them have been great. Some are uncomfortable, some are awkward to use, and some just never quite sit right.

This one is easily my favourite.

It is soft, comfortable, and actually feels easy to use, which is not always the case with cups. Once it is in properly, you barely notice it, which is exactly what you want.

What I really liked is that it comes as a full little kit rather than just the cup on its own. You get a soft pouch with everything in it, including wipes, lubricant, and clear instructions. It feels like it has actually been thought through, especially if you are newer to using cups.

And there were two cups included, which I was not expecting and definitely appreciated.

It just feels like one of those products that has been designed to make things easier, rather than more complicated.

If you have been curious about switching from tampons or pads, or you have tried cups before and not got on with them, this is a really good place to start.

🍊 Clem’s Verdict

“Comfortable, well thought out, and actually easy to get on with.”

Rating: 🍊🍊🍊🍊🍊 (5/5 segments)

🍊 Clem Reviews: Rechargeable Hearing Amplifiers – 26/03/2026

I picked these up during a bit of a gap.

I wear NHS hearing aids, and after one broke and went missing, the other one also packed in. I had a bit of a wait before I could get everything sorted, so I bought these as a temporary fix.

They are… fine. But with some big caveats.

These are amplifiers, not proper hearing aids, and you can tell. They amplify everything. Every bit of background noise, every rustle, every little sound you would normally want filtered out.

That can be quite overwhelming.

They also give a lot of feedback. If your hand goes near them, if you put a hood up, or even just move in certain ways, you get that high-pitched noise which is not ideal.

That said, they did have their place.

For appointments, or situations where someone is speaking quietly or one-on-one, they were better than having nothing at all. They helped enough to get by when I needed them.

But for everyday use, I found them quite tiring. After a while, it just became a bit too much and would often leave me with a headache.

So they work in a pinch, but they are not a replacement for proper hearing aids.

🍊 Clem’s Verdict

“Helpful in an emergency. Not something you want to rely on long term.”

Rating: 🍊🍊🍊 (3/5 segments)

🍊 Clem Reviews: Oral-B Vitality Pro Toothbrush (Black) – 25/03/2026

I picked this up in Tesco on a Clubcard deal when it was £25, down from £50.

My old electric toothbrush had packed in a while ago, and I had been waiting for a decent offer before replacing it. Saw this, grabbed one for me and one for my husband, and called it a win.

Now, I will say this straight away. It does not pack the same punch as a Sonicare.

If you are used to that level of power, you will notice the difference.

But for what it is, especially at a discounted price, I cannot really complain.

It does the job.

My teeth feel properly clean, my gums feel healthy, and it is simple to use without any faff. It also came with a spare head and a one-year warranty, which makes it feel a bit more worth it.

It is one of those purchases that is not exciting, but you are quietly glad you made it.

If you are looking for something high-end, this is probably not it.
If you are looking for something affordable that works and you can grab on a deal, it does exactly what you need.

🍊 Clem’s Verdict

“Not the strongest, but reliable and does the job.”

Rating: 🍊🍊🍊🍊 (4/5 segments)

🍊 Clem Reviews: Shiatsu Neck Massager – 24/03/2026

I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect much from this.

It looked like one of those things you buy, use twice, and then it ends up shoved in a cupboard somewhere next to the yoga mat you never touch again.

But I was wrong.

This thing has genuinely been working the tension out of my neck, and I mean really working it out.

The first time you use it, it can feel quite intense. If you’re holding a lot of tension, it is not exactly relaxing straight away. You might even question your decisions for a minute.

Stick with it though.

Once the heat setting kicks in and your muscles start to loosen, it completely changes. It goes from slightly uncomfortable to actually really satisfying, like your muscles are finally letting go.

Using it regularly, I’ve noticed: